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Hi fallen_angel!
I must admit that I never had your "kind" of thoughts. I experienced,
a few years ago, a state of "mild depression" and I found out that the
best things from keeping me out of that sate are having some close
friends with who I can talk around to and keeping myself busy.
I m glad that you are seeking professional help, but since I m far and
away from NY can't help you in finding one... :-))
--- In loveshy_drgilmartin
<fallen_angel_
>
> Thank you to all who replied, it is much appreciated.
> I do feel a little bit better since I've finally spoken up. Also,
I've been doing Second Life lately (I am a resident DJ in 2 clubs
there), and someone who enjoys my company there kept on talking me out
of doing some stupid things last night.
> However, the mood swings are so chaotic that the deadly thoughts
might occupy my mind any given moment.
> I realize how lonely I am. I used to have many friends but I do not
contact most of them anymore, and the ones who I still have around...I
don't want them anymore, really. They do not bring any fulfillment
into my life, and occasional meetings with them only upset me more.
Lately, I've been avoiding them. They didn't really help me with their
support when I had death in the family last July. It is something I
can't easily forgive.I am very lost and confused.
>
> I can't talk to anyone else close to me for obvious reasons. But I
am willing to try it with a doctor. So, what's the verdict: a GP or a
psychologist? A psychiatrist scares me. I don't want to end up in a
looney bin, I am not THAT crazy. I know that my work has some kind of
a counseling but I believe it is a grief counseling, and I am not
grieving anymore.
>
> Is anyone from NY or familiar with some doctors in
Manhattan/Brooklyn area?
>
>
> Thanks!
>
>
>
>
> To: loveshy_drgilmartin
+0000Subject: [loveshy_drgilmarti
>
>
>
>
> Hey brother. I won't try to say that I know your personal situation
asall of us have different ways of dealing with things. What I do
knowis that I too feel a similar type of depression day in and day
outfrom this problem and I contemplate suicide every day(some days
areworse then others). Although I agree with many on this forum, I
thinkit comes mostly from a blend of Gynophobia(fear of woman),
anxietyfrom past violence(both instigated and not), and a
personalitydisorder brought upon from not fitting in to the overall
culture. Istill continue to face hatred and ignorance at so many
levelsespecially about my illness. Some believe that it is not an
illnessbut I feel it has both genetic and environmental components.
The pointis that it is NOT your fault that you have to deal with this
pain. Imean I can personally tell you that it really feels isolating
and thatno one will ever understand. But at least, for all of us on
thisforum, please try to talk to someone. I have been going to a
SocialWorker at a "not for profit" and doing a DBT group and although
I amso anxious and it is so hard to do, I actually feel better because
Iam at least around people with similar problems. Even if yourparents,
friends, or co-workers don't understand, their are people whowill and
at least that will make some of the loneliness go away. DONOT BE
ASHAMED OF ANYTHING... Be proud that you can say that you havea
problem... NO ONE IS PERFECT whether Biologically or Spiritually.
are social animals and need others. If you believe in some form
ofReligion then you will might also understand that we need others
forour own consciousness and spiritual growth. So don't feel bad
becausewe are the way we are. I feel that we are just a bit more
sensitiveto this need and we just have to learn how to approach it but
thatunfortunately will take hard work on our end. However, TAKE IT
REALSLOW... Not just minute by minute but second by second.
Allowyourself to feel bad, grieve, and be depressed... Yes, I know
ithurts like crazy. We are all dealing with allot so you have a
rightto feel the way you do. You don't have to be strong for anyone
butyourself. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. Why, because
weare with you brother. WE CARE or at least I CARE... Yes, we
maysuffer alone but keep trying to find a friend and if that doesn't
workfind another one until you feel comfortable. Just be honest and
try tofight to live another day until you find the help you need.
Don'tworry about material things for now. Again one day at a time. I
amdoing the same so I am with you on this journey bit I know it's
hardand I feel like giving up too but we can't. I want to live and I
wantto be happy. WE ALL HAVE THAT RIGHT! I wish you peace of mind
andsafety brother... Please take care of yourself.--- In
loveshy_drgilmartin
wrote:>> Guys,> > I desperately need help, and I don't know what or
who to talk toabout it.> I fully acknowledge the fact that I have a
problem and am in need ofits resolution.> > I came to the point that I
have a major depression and all joys oflife do not matter to me
anymore.> I have isolated myself from the society because I can no
longerclick with people, and maintaining any kind of human interaction
seemsto be an impossible and annoying task.> > I, as strong as never
before, am contemplating what some call "apermanent solution to a
temporary problem".> That idea alone is crippling my every day routine
because now when Itake the subway on my way to work and back home, I
am forcing myselfto stay cool and not jump under the train. Often, I
am having panicattacks because my 2 halves are fighting with each
other. One says "doit" while another begs me not to.> > I also live on
the 6th floor, and idea of jumping from the windowseems more and more
attractive to me. However, I am favoring sleepingpills.
tired of having all these feelings and dealing with theconstant pain
(as mental as well as physical).> > So, for the first time ever I am
reaching my seeking hand and askingall of you to help me by advising
what to do before it is too late.> > I do not want to end it all
because it would not be fair to myfamily, and most of all it would not
be fair to me.> > > > > > I am residing in Brooklyn, NY.> > Any input
is welcome. > > Thank you!> >
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