[loveshy_drgilmartin] The temple of wisdom guards: Paradox and Confusion

Thursday, 17 January 2008      0 comments

What good are games and mysterious methods when the heart has always
been unloved!?

I have had this problem for a long time, maybe much longer than most
of you on here. I've been reading and learning alot more lately about
social dynamics and technique through "the mystery method" and "the
game". However, it doesn't really motivate me to go out and try. I
don't think I have trouble talking to women so much as fear success
and the profound emotional implications of suddenly not defining
myself this way any more at 38, despite the catastrophic longing to be
loved that remains. I was still a virgin until just 10 years ago,
haven't made much real progress since. Everyone has always said that
I'm a good looking guy, this makes it so much worse. Atleast ugly or
fat guys have a legit excuse for thinking about blowing their brains
out every 15 minutes.

What I think when i see a beautiful girl now is either "she'll think
I'm way too old for her and creepy" or "I have nothing to offer (no
real experience) and I'm probably too far gone to rise to the occasion
now." Other online gurus with "circles" of 3 girlfriends say to open
my heart chakra. That seems more honest than what Strauss and Mystery
preach, but I've always felt I have too much respect for women for my
own good. Maybe I resent that respect and that's why the 5th chakra
stays closed and broken. Do these open-hearted sheiks really care more
about their girlfriends' hearts than their own Hefner-esque hedonism
?(I'm very jealous actually, having 3 girlfriends is my ultimate dream!)

'Seeing a therapist again, one of many in a long career of hashing
out my crap. To look at me or hear what I do for a living you'd never
guess this awful secret. And there's the rub, it feels like an awful
secret. How could any attractive woman truly accept this about me??
I'm embarrassed to be part of you guys which is why I've never posted
here before or read much of your postings. I keep thinking you all are
just focusing on the "not having" which is not what I want to do
anymore. Talking about it in therapy all these years feels like
perpetuating the problem. Yet I'm compelled to. Until it no longer is.

I need to do it because that's all I've ever really done in my head.
And I beat myself up for not taking opportunities constantly. Can't
imagine anyone reading has any real answers. Just wanted to vent. For
god's sake, don't let this be a "problem" for you as long as it has
been for me!!Attack it with all your might while you're still young!
On the other hand, if "what you resist, persists", maybe you should
stop resisting and just go talk to some fucking chicks. How's that for
a paradox?

Porn is bad. I realized this week that I've trained my brain (read:
"the brain that changes itself"-Norman Doidge.M.D… the MIND CAN CHANGE
THE BRIAN!)over the last 15 fucking years to prefer porno to real
chicks and that's another nail in the coffin. Porn is easier than the
sweet pain of love, I guess, atleast on a subconscious level. My mom's
a bitch and both parent's are sexually repressed Latinos at the blind
mercy of that insidious catholic guilt. If you're religious, get a
clue! There's no hell like love-shyness. Go get laid already and
embrace the darkness. I thought I had Asperger's until recently, maybe
I have it a little. I don't know..

Ross Jeffries has got my attention finally. Let's hypnotize them into
blowing us! But not before we hypnotize ourselves. I'm taking a
seminar on THAT this weekend (not speed seduction, self-hypnosis). I'm
grateful that I'm not a virgin anymore (another seminar, the Landmark
Forum, to thank for that breakthrough), and that I still have my hair,
and that I make cool Art for a living, and most of all, that I love
Metal (and all great music). But I'm still here at home writing this
bullshit to a bunch of other losers who have my same pathetic,
life-dismembering problem instead of "sarging" like I should be. I
still seem to prefer my comfort zone to a zone I've never really
known, and still can only dream of.

Despite the somber and ugly tone of this posting, I AM hopeful that I
can manage a change, somehow. It's just gotta take more than knowing
how (through approach and "negging" techniques) or figuring out what's
wrong (through therapy and other over-thinking). I need to see some
more proof. I've spent too many years trying to manufacture it
alone..."fake it `til you make it" just doesn't work. Women are too
perceptive for that! And now I've made a career of .loneliness. I
remain un-actualized and yes, I'll say it...Invalidated.

Isn't that why we're ALL here??

Show of hands, who else has a fucked up view of women that comes from
Mommy dearest, or the mighty Madonna/Whore complex?

None of this matters if we are unmotivated to make change and rewire
are plastic brains.

If you read all this, you have my deepest respect for caring more
about me than i have for any of you. Know thyself!

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