Health And General Life Care: [loveshy_drgilmartin] Re: New to the group

I want to thank each person in the group who replied with their
insights and advice on the problem I wrote about earlier.

Just to update and add a little more details to the situation, I can
say that things are more comfortable in the workplace because we
moved into a new office building. As a result, my accuser is no
longer in an office near me. Her office is on a different floor (in
the previous office, she worked in an office practically next door
to mine). For safety reasons I still don't talk to or look at the
accuser the few times that she inadvertently crosses my line of
sight.

To those who replied that my job was in jeopardy because of this
event, while I still want to thank you for your reply, I disagree.
What I failed to mention earlier was that when I brought this
incident to the attention of my immediate supervisor, he was behind
me and didn't hold the incident against me. He also figured out
months later that I was avoiding my accuser, and he stated that he
could not blame me. It was Human Resources that didn't believe my
defense at the time. However, with the passage of time since the
event (the accusation occurred about 2 years ago)HR seemed to
realize that I definitely do not represent a threat to any female
coworker. This is because, at the time of the accusation, I
insisted that my supervisor and/or the director of HR to inform me
immediately if anyone complained about me "staring" or committing
any other offence listed in the sexual harassment policy in the
workplace, which they each agreed to do. No complaints were ever
brought to my attention by the HR director, and during my last
performance evaluation, my supervisor specifically stated that no
such complaints came to his attention. Also, in the past couple of
weeks, I have managed to have pleasant conversations with the HR
director (a significant clue that she, the HR director, no longer
considers me a threat to female coworkers).

While my job may not be in jeopardy, and the move to a different
office has made me more comfortable, I am still working on trying to
get over my fear of looking at a nice-looking woman in public and
anywhere outside the workplace where a woman can't make a sexual
harassment issue out of "staring" at her for 1/2-1 second.

Again, thanks for all your e-mails of insights, advice, and similar
stories. I also want to personally congratulate the group member
who wrote about getting a girlfriend now. I wish that person all
the best with his new girlfriend.

Tom
--- In loveshy_drgilmartin@yahoogroups.com, "dokweed_1"
<dokweed@...> wrote:
>
> Re: New to the group - A summary of my story
>
>
> --- In loveshy_drgilmartin@yahoogroups.com, "Talmer Shockley"
> <author@> wrote:
> >
> >Tom, you bring up an important problem about love-shyness.
> >PussyBoy had the same problem, and I had a related issue with a
> >female coworker. Since we socialize so little, our jobs play a
big
> >role in our socialization, but work can be the wrong place for
> >male-female socialization.
>
> Talmer, very good point in that because we (love-shys and people
> with social anxiety -- and I have both) rarely go out to socialize,
> our job is about the only place where we can socialize. However, as
> you say, it can be the wrong place for male-female socialization. I
> guess this is because a lot of people probably only view the
> workplace as a place to work -- and nothing else. I think because
> women tend to be timid and protective of themselves, they may see
> the workplace as sort of a "safe haven" from guys coming on to
them.
> That is why women probably react more negatively than guys do when
> the opposite sex shows any interest in them at the workplace.
> Obviously this isn't always the case because we hear often of
> workplace romances. I'm just saying it tends to be the case in a
lot
> of instances.
>
> >The problem as I see it starts because we have so little
> >interaction with females and have little if any sex so that when
> >we see a semi-attractive woman we end up staring like they are
> >from another planet. Women, especially coworkers, do not want to
be
> >thought of as purely sexual objects. But even when we just act
> >friendly with them, we cannot help but to stare and act sexually
> >interested. Love-shys exude a certain sexual stress that turns
> >women off. Women will feel uncomfortable around love-shys,
because
> love-shys are uncomfortable around women. As with seducing women,
> >when it comes to sexual harassment it's not your intentions that
> >matter, it's how the woman FEELS. Many women are generally timid
> >creatures who are scared of what they don't understand, and they
> >certainly don't understand love-shyness.
>
> Another good point. Because of our lack of interection with women,
> us love-shys tend to give off a vibe - the wrong vibe - to women.
> This vibe causes them to sense that we have a problem. I think they
> sense that we have very little experience with women and maybe that
> we are in a desperate state. I think they can sense something is
> wrong with us. I believe we give off these negative vibes to women
> because of our lack of experience with women, our lack of
> confidence. We don't know how to act (how to "come across"). Maybe
> we do tend to stare without realizing it. I don't know if Tom was
> staring without realizing it, but I suppose its possible. Then
> again, there ARE some pyscho women out there that are SO defensive,
> that if you give them a 1 second look, they go nuts and try to have
> you fired for sexual harassment! I remember a guy at my former
> workplace had given a girl there a compliment by telling her she
had
> pretty eyes. Well, guess what... she reported him to her boss for
> sexual harassment!
>
> Is it no wonder us guys - whether love-shy or not - have such a
> tough time trying to get to know a girl and ask her out!?? Women
> have it easy in that they are not expected to initiate a
> relationship with the opposite sex. If they did, then they would
> realize the difficulty of what men face when WE have to be the ones
> who initiate things. The difficulty being: the rejections, the
> accusations of sexual harassment, etc.
>
> >Which is why you should never tell a woman you are
> >love-shy as they will not understand it.
>
> Yes, I don't think it's a good idea to tell a woman you are love-
> shy, because they will just not understand and will probably think
> you are "weird". It's probably best to just work on our love-shy
> problem beforehand to the point to where we have improved enough to
> be able to handle going out on a date/interacting with a woman.
>
>
> To Tom (espinosat3),
>
> Assuming what you say is true in that you were not overtly staring
> at your co-worker or harassing her, then I'm certainly sorry you
had
> to go through that situation. It sounds like this woman may have
> been one of those "pyscho women" I mentioned earlier in this post.
> As Talmer alluded to, us love-shys tend to give off a vibe of our
> love-shy problem, for the reasons I've already mentioned. What we
> need to do is to start sending out the RIGHT vibes. We do that by
> building confidence. We need to start coming across to people in
> the "right" way. We can't walk around looking fearful and timid. We
> got to be confident and decisive when we act. Here is something
that
> has helped me. It's going to sound a little silly, but it has
> helped. Every day, at least in some points of the day, say to
> yourself repeatedly:
>
> "I am strong, confident, and I back down from nobody!"
>
> A slightly different version I also use is:
> "I am confident, I am strong, and I bow down to nobody!" (here
using
> the word "bow" instead of "back").
>
> I know, I know, it sounds silly. I've only been doing this exercise
> for only a short time now but it seems to be working for me. There
> have been times I've been feeling good and confident to the point
> that I forget to do the exercise! However, after a time period of
> NOT doing the exercise, I tend to start feeling unconfident and
self-
> conscious again. Therefore I try to remind myself to keep doing the
> exercise. This exercise has helped me because I've always had a
lack
> of self-confidence and lack of assertiveness. This exercise tells
my
> mind that I am just as good as anyone else and that I should NEVER
> back down or bow down to another human being ... that I should
never
> view another person is being better than me or "above" me. This
> exercise can build confidence.
>
> I want to point out something that is really important: When doing
> this exercise, make sure you move and walk (stand tall - don't
> slump) and talk CONFIDENTLY - while repeating those previously
> mentioned statements in your mind. You have to be confident
> physically as well as mentally. Look people in the eyes confidently
> (yes, even WOMEN -- despite that crazy woman you mentioned earlier)
> and talk confidently.
>
> Do all the things I've mentioned and you will begin to give off
> the "good" vibes.
>